-------------------------
What Does A Kiss Taste Like?
-------------------------

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss
in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy
wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
It's a piece of Ass."
 
 

-------------------------
Underwear
-------------------------

One evening, while thinking I was being funny,
I said to my wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes
in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take an inch or 2
off of your butt!"!

My wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning I took a pair of underwear out
of my drawer, "What is this?" I said to myself as a little dust cloud
appeared when I shook them out.

"Connie", I hollered into the bathroom,
"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied.....

It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"
 
 

-------------------------
Cheerios
-------------------------

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he
replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother
in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. Hi s mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 
 

-------------------------
Women are Evil
-------------------------

A husband and wife were sitting around one day drinking a bottle of
wine.  The husband turns to his wife and says, "I bet you can't tell me
something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

After thinking about it a few minutes the wife looks at her husband and
says, "Your pecker is bigger than your brothers!"
 
 

-------------------------
Ten Commandments
-------------------------

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians... It creates a hostile work environment.
 
 

-------------------------
Poker
-------------------------

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.
And upon arriving, asked his wife:

'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered   'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon  'Her heart nearly skipped a beat
when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
 
 

-------------------------
Mischievous Grandmas
-------------------------

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell l exactly how old you are.

" The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,
"You're 84 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?" The old Grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,

"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday."
 
 

-------------------------
I Wanna Go Home
-------------------------

An Englishman A Scotsman and an Irishman are all setting in a bar in
New York discussing about how much they miss their home land.
The Englishman says there is a pub near my home when you go in and
order a pint and salute the Queen the next six drinks are on the
house.

Not wanting to be out done , the Scotsman declares, that there is a
pub near my home that when you order scotch whiskey and toast Mary
Queen of Scott's the next six drinks are on the house.

Then the Irishman declares, in the County of Cork there is a pub that
will give you all the drinks you can hold for free, then then they'll
send you upstairs where you can have wild sex until the sun comes up,
all for free.

Neither one of the other two believe the Irishman and ask him has
this actually happened to you. Well no he replied, but it did happen
to my sister, and she would never lie to me.
 
 

---------------------
Anesthetic
-------------------------

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
 
 

-------------------------
Quote of the Day
-------------------------

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
 
 

-------------------------
Best Salesman
-------------------------

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.

The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.

The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.

The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to a blonde lady.

The other two said, so what?

The third salesman added, along with the
Cuckoo clock, I also sold her one hundred pounds of bird seeds!
 
 

-------------------------
Two Old Men
-------------------------

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away
talking. One old man asked the other "How is your wife??"

Second old man replied "I think she is Dead!"

First old man "What do you mean you THINK she is dead??"

Second old man "Well.... the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."
 
 

-------------------------
Dating
-------------------------

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom!  You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!"
 
 

-------------------------
Peanuts
-------------------------

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of
peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then
don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
 
 

-------------------------
Bank Teller
-------------------------

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
 
 

-------------------------
Moral of the Story
-------------------------

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out
over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so
it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with
the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
 
 

-------------------------
Tetanus Shot
-------------------------

The old man in his mid eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
 
 

-------------------------
Deer Hunting Season
-------------------------

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
 
 

-------------------------
The Ten Year Old
-------------------------

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa speech'.

At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech'.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy speech'.

Now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
 
 
 

-------------------------
Wisdom
-------------------------

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.  With a word or
two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?"
asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
 
 

-------------------------
Dinner Date
-------------------------

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:  "Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"

Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!!

Teacher: "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll
get to meet after supper. "

The teacher fainted!!
 
 

-----------------------------------
Hang Gliding in Kentucky
-----------------------------------

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang gliding.

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets
ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin  bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird
she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size
bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
 
 

-------------------------
Daddy Longlegs
-------------------------

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, that might be OK in California, BUT we're not having any of that crap in Texas"
 
 

-------------------------
Hunting Flies
-------------------------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 
 

-------------------------
Power Outage
-------------------------

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his ass again!"
 
 

-------------------------
Harvard Test
-------------------------

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years old can't do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down
 
 

-------------------------
World Series
-------------------------

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee's World Series Game 6; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. First, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks
back at the agent, and shakes his head violently. The agent said, "Mr. President, it was a request from the home team” everybody from the
owner down to the bat boy." (What really gets Bill going is when the agent tells him the fans would love it!)

So Bill just shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want." Then Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the
seat of her pants, hoists her over the wall and drops her onto the playing field.

She scrambles up kicking, swearing, screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high fiveing. Bill is bowing
and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "Hey, you were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally ashen. Bill asks the agent: What's wrong?

As soon as he could speak, the stricken agent stammered: "Sir, I said: "They want you to throw out the first PITCH."
 
 
 

-------------------------
Buddy
-------------------------

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
 
 

-------------------------
Viagra
-------------------------

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked
the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
 
 

---------------------------------------
SCAM ON ELDERLY MEN
---------------------------------------

A SCAM IS BEING PULLED, MAINLY ON OLDER MEN.

WHAT HAPPENS IS WHEN YOU STOP FOR A RED LIGHT, A HOT, YOUNG NAKED LADY COMES UP AND PRETENDS TO BE WASHING YOUR WINDSHIELD.

WHILE SHE IS DOING THIS ANOTHER PERSON OPENS YOUR BACK DOOR AND STEALS ANYTHING IN THE CAR.

THEY ARE VERY GOOD AT THIS: THEY GOT ME 9 TIMES THURSDAY AND 7 TIMES FRIDAY. I WASN'T ABLE TO FIND THEM ON SATURDAY.
 
 

-------------------------
Moses at the Airport
-------------------------

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe
and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses? "

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses! " in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you? "

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses! " and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"
 
 

-------------------------------------------------------
Looks like you are having a bad day
-------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?" The guy says," I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says," What did you say to your best friend?" The guy says," I said BAD DOG!"
 
 

-------------------------
Ex-Girlfriend
-------------------------

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.
 
 

-----------------------------------------
she got all this out of nowhere
-----------------------------------------

A guys wife all of a sudden has a new Cadillac and 20k in the bank. Her husband ask her where she got all this out of nowhere.

She just said she won it playing bingo and then she ask him to run her a bath. He goes to run the bath water but only puts about
one inch of water in the bath tub... she ask him why he put so little water in the tub... because he told her " I don't want you to
get your bingo card wet".